wondering, trying not to wonder

I think I have to face it…my running can hardly be called running anymore at this point in my pregnancy.  I’m almost 35 weeks and I don’t even want to know how much weight I’ve gained.  I’m sure I will be close to or maybe even over the 40 pound mark by the time my baby comes.  I keep telling myself not to worry, that the weight is all going to come off and that I will feel light and free again when I run.  But there is a part of me that is scared, that is worrying and wondering…

The last time I had a baby was over 4 years ago.  I had just turned 30.  Now I am close to 35.  Things are different with my body.  Even though I was possibly in the best shape of my adult life when I got pregnant this time,  I am older.  Not OLD, but OLDER.  I’m getting these nasty looking purple veins all through my legs.  In my ankles, up my calves, behind my knees and thighs.  I try not to look but the other day on accident I caught site of my backside and gasped.  I look like an old lady minus the wrinkles.  This is a genetic thing…my mom has these veins and so did my oldest sister (she had laser surgery to correct them).  I had yucky veins in my ankles when I was pregnant with my son but after he was born they went away.  Maybe that will happen again this time?  Maybe they will go away??  I can only hope…I must accept it though if they don’t.

What is it going to feel like – physically – after this baby is born?  How long will it take before I can run – really RUN – again?

I’m not wishing these next 5 weeks away, I’m not.  Feeling the baby move inside me is the most magical feeling.  I love it.  Buuuuuut, I am also really excited to not be carrying all this extra weight anymore.  Getting off the couch is ridiculous.  Carrying laundry up and down the stairs is a joke.  Making all the beds in my house in the morning leaves me breathless.  And to think that less than a year ago I was running marathons and 10 miles was “easy” … wowzah!!!  The change has been gradual but drastic.

In my heart I know that after my baby is born I can – and will – make gradual changes again.  Sure, it will take a lot of work, sacrifice and dedication.  But it will be worth it.